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Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
7:03 pm
FUCK, it's been such a long time since I hve had a chance to write in here.

I went to Chicago this last weekend for the Chicago Consulta. It was really inspiring and I am going to try my best to become more politically active around these parts.

I met a boy, and it's no big thing except that his passion is the sexiest thing that I have ever known to exist.

I'm dying to move into a house of my own with some people...and I have been thinking a lot about who they might be.

Also, I want to start a guerilla theatre project in Milwaukee... Milwaukee Agit-Prop Theatre (MAPT?) - so yo contact me if you are interested in doing so.

Anywys, talk to you my loves later. Rocknroll.

(15 ideas. | any thoughts?)

Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
12:27 am - this is inside me
Crashing down upon me are the thoughts that have been boggling my mind for several years now. I once wondered why it was that I acted certain ways or did things that I thought I would never do. Why did I just say that?
But I'm getting to understand that now. I wonder why I hang out with the same type of people now as in 6th grade.

I will only ever be happy with myself. For as much as I like talking with other people, it's a RARE instance when they entertain me as much as I entertain myself.
I am self centered, I believe that the world revolves around me, because in essence, my world does. I can't hear your thoughts, I don't know about 7 billion people on the planet. Everything that I care about is something that is in my life. I like myself and walking down the street, I don't think that a stranger is more important than me.
At any point in my life, I am the most important person. Of course you will disagree but, that's your world that you're thinking in. Not mine.

I don't understand the importance with putting other people before yourself.

I you don't understand this, that sucks. But, you will never understand me.

(any thoughts?)

Saturday, August 9th, 2003
9:34 am
I just sprained my ankle.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled.

There is a huge fucking hole in my stomach from burning plastic.

Yeah, but I'm still alive...for now. Went to a picnic today, got a tour of west bend and now I am about to go to see my ex-boyfriend who just got into a car accident. It will totally make me feel better to see someone else in pain.

Oh yeah, and by the way, I think that I have lost all of my sexual ambition. I feel no attraction to anyone. This is horrible. I am slowly becoming asexual and I can't help it. SOME ONE FUCK ME INTO A NEW CONSCIOUSNESS.

(3 ideas. | any thoughts?)

Sunday, August 3rd, 2003
3:07 am
And then once the wall that I created of emotional security split open in front of my watering eyes I chose not to watch. As I clenched my teeth I squinted at the sight of them being rebuilt.
"Why? You don't fucking care anyway."

Seeing you bloody gives me no joy. Neither does seeing you cry. I don't find it funny.
I wish that I had enough guts to smash your face in.
I would kill you then fuck your corspe.

The self gratifacation of suicide is disgusting.

Naught will ruin me. I will live forever. Slap a post it to your head and fucking remember it. You will not forget

current mood: unsafe

(1 ideas. | any thoughts?)

Monday, July 21st, 2003
11:37 pm - And so I was sucked into it's vortex:
lollipopcat 95%
godcomplex 84%
la_viest_belle 84%
superdupercle 84%
dumpsta 83%
dstructivdreams 80%
nostrength 78%
lostmyskin 74%
spyingthedir 72%
crasch 65%
stupidmouthhole 65%
How compatible with me are YOU?

(1 ideas. | any thoughts?)

10:35 pm
I need someone to sit and talk with me more. Like, sit at webbs, draw, doodle, talk about the fucked up and amazing things in life, and drink coffee/soda. Please?

(1 ideas. | any thoughts?)

10:20 pm
and then the walls topple open when you view the sheer scale they were created to
you are equally as frightened once they've tumbled

to walk through go to page 102
to run away go to page 36
to find a different path go to page 159

Curse those who set you into your ideals as if you will always stay by them at one hundred percent. There is no way that I will always sit here cursing the government and praising dissention but I will always question what I believe with an anarchist's undermining train of thought.

I'm so stressed but I can't get through it and you can't tell.

IdontknowwhatIamdoinginmylifebut it's all coming together and I don't get it..

current mood: cold

(any thoughts?)

Monday, July 14th, 2003
1:00 am
Why is it that the littlest thing can turn my world upside down like a paper cut infecting you and giving you a life-ending disease. It's just like I need to stop caring at all. There is no one that I can really ever rely on and the person that I once sat on the bathroom floor crying with, holding their hair back and feeling them hurt doesn't even fucking care about me anymore. I hung out with them and they said two things to me, one of them was bye, without any sort of eye contact. How could someone not want to talk to you at all after telling you that you will stay friends.

Fuck that. It's not going to happen.

Why do I try to have close friends at all?

Why do I try to hang out with any of these worthless fucking loners at all when I won't in two months?

No God damn point.

current mood: crushed

(1 ideas. | any thoughts?)

Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
11:56 pm
it was my birthday and i feel the same as before. not surprising. but my birthday was really good this year, i didn't fight with anyone and i saw people who i love to be around.

i feel really bad about how i act around other people. i can't even think about me having a serious relationship or even a friendship that calls for a lot of attention. i can't do anything for anyone but myself and i feel horrible about that but i feel like i have to put my all into everything that i do or else it just isn't worth it.
i'm really sorry to anyone who has experienced that with me.

stuff for my art show is going really well. even if it doesn't raise any money, i'm still excited about using my uncle's space and hanging out there.

also, you gusy can look forward to my zine coming out but the art show. if you care that is. you might be in it.

(any thoughts?)

Sunday, June 29th, 2003
9:38 pm
I spit tears into your eyes
and you quiver at my feet
you slid yourself up
I have a bruise on my thigh
where you lost your balance
and there is a part of me
that can never be found
you stole it
deep inside your stomach it lies
you lied to me
but I killed off your brain cells
with each low moan I made
but you brought back bitterness
into my vocabulary it hides
as a proverbial melancholy
it refuses to leave
I misguided your thoughts
without my knowledge
you act as my conscience
even though it makes me sick
to see you smile
I refuse to see that part of me
again I despise
that side of my face
can be read as an open book
but I tore apart your pages
I burn them
scattered scared and charcoal
on the floor
I smear them on my face
with self-appointed galore
for again I wish
that I had left them
in that jar I found them
but my curiousity kills me
kills my blood vessels
I still am
looking for another
to help me bleed once more

(2 ideas. | any thoughts?)

9:14 pm - The closest I will come to riding a beam of light will be to see a friend from my past.
So last nite I went to summerfest. I saw Josh. That's right, Josh. That kid that I used to spend almost everyday with. It was so wierd but really completing. It was amazing to see a change in him and I really don't feel any of the old contempt for him or Beth. Refreshing.

We talked for a really long time about a lot of things, from drugs to relationships to how trees grow to art (even though it's all art). I told him about me being unable to remain close to people in and out of relationships and he told me that it wasn't a surprise. He said "Yeah, you've always been quick to change your moods" and I almost cried right then and there at the truth spoken by someone who has not spent more than an hour with me in a year and a half. It's pretty fucking pathetic when someone can call your moves like that after so long.

It makes me sick to my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up. I gave myself a horrible headache and when I got home I did throw up. I made myself sick just thinking about my life.

Ugh. I need to talk to Erin about this. She's the only one who'd understand.

But on a lighter note, fuck that, there really isn't a lighter one.

current mood: calm

(6 ideas. | any thoughts?)

Monday, June 16th, 2003
10:39 am
I walked through the threshold of forgetting to hold on
and I slammed my face against the door frame in a last attempt
to remember what I wrote on that last rock
that I dropped over the waterfall
it's sunk by now and smoothed over with a slimy moss plant
that is contagiously growing
over all my memories
and I'm struggling to remember if it was like this before
the last skipping stone
and how it came back as a boomerang
it hit me so hard that I bled from my neck arms and back
it was so sharp but it felt so good
but all the same I still bled
upon the sheets of my bed I rest they still
slightly grow with the dew of last summer
dew painting minus the grass are growing out of my floor
with the creases of my clothes
and the steadiness with which the grow
I'm growing and there are endless heights at which I could stop
but I made a list so it won't be too high
the water can't be too deep when I jump in
it's already too cold.

(any thoughts?)

10:28 am
i met possibility and it has kissed my cheek

(2 ideas. | any thoughts?)

Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
10:38 am
Oh how I love to rock out to this bike is a pipe bomb. So I'm really looking forward to this summer. Nights spent lost on the beach, sitting up on the resivior staring out at the city screaming to let them all know that I'm here, and I won't move for any organic creature (except a shrew). Sitting in George Webbs reading books on art, metaphysics, and the murders of jack the ripper. I just want to sit in the sun with huge sunglasses on and my hair spiked out and messed up from the wind. The clouds will look like avalanches and one small bird flying through them will make them come down and surround us.

Then I will find love.

Screeching into a field accross from an abandoned building and looking inside to find that spot where I lost my soul. Finding your hand turning the corner using my maglite shining it's reflection onto my past and not caring. I will not wait until morning this time. I want to meld into your body when the sn comes up and I never want to leave, please don't make me beg this time. It's raining outside and my right side is soaking wet but the tree is my umbrella, how I love it's stability.

(4 ideas. | any thoughts?)

Friday, June 6th, 2003
10:55 am
Everyone that I know is leaving to go traveling. Oh well, I might go to new york later on in the summer, or maybe leave with Erin. I'll probably take a few train trips down to Chicago.

I ended up using so much dumpstered stuff for my theatre jury. This light post thing that I got over the summer last year, extra foam core, all types of stuff.

I'm being whisked away.

(4 ideas. | any thoughts?)

Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
10:30 pm - "even from portland, you're still a slut"
according to gifford, things never change.

(any thoughts?)

Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
2:10 pm
So, Friday night I did tech for a dance concert and then Heather picked me up and we went to Shuttle.

Saturday I did tech for a show here at school and then I went to the MVP rummage sale with Emma. Then I went to Fuel for like three hours but had like 7 people meet me there. Then I went over to Heather's and her, Ben, KT and I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre, made french fries, played with Secille, went to the show at the Endless Nameless House, drank Vermouth, slept in the car, and then conquered the abandoned insane asylum at St. Nazianz . I didn't do much Sunday except sleep.

I love Secille, Heather's rat, it makes me so fucking happy. I love it to death.

But I'm supposed to have responsibilities right now so I should go do that.

current mood: dirty

(3 ideas. | any thoughts?)

1:44 pm - by emma
i would like to think that all our promises are only games, but not imperative talks, long walks and drawing with chalk on a watered-down sidewalk that's littered with socks...
i once thought i was in love with a boy, then found out i knew not what gratified time but some line dug completely from asinine minds...
so stay with me
pray with me
leave me this way
keep your coastal perfume off the airy typhoon
seep incessantly into your formal coccoon...
and i'm sadly retreating
no other disguise -
you selfless untruth you can't live
you can't stand,
don't go killing my broken undaunted command
just unfold uncontrolled underscrolled
what you stole
i can't recover from hopes of false ecstasy,
rage and desire,
i'm gone
i'm this shadow, your beauty reminds mattered chariots
feather me,
sing me to unconscious sleep and then drop along
heavy intentions to curdle your song...
lose story
and stories can't justify numbers
of ages
of places
i once was with you...

(any thoughts?)

Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
6:43 pm
I'm totally asexual now. All of my non-existant love pusuits are not worth it.

My loves:

This is what I live for...the simple and extravagent joys in my life that I'm fine with.

I think I'm getting skin cancer.

Talk to me about my party on friday. I probably want you to come.

I'm going to the insane asylum on Saturday. I'm nervous and excited.

Does anyone want to come to Against Me! on Sunday with me? I'm going with the ex-drummer so you'd be able to hang with us afterwards...(ploy for ride).

(4 ideas. | any thoughts?)

6:04 pm - from some and i's journal.
last cigarette: they're never ending
last kiss: on the cheek from celeste today
last good cry: after postal service
last library book checked out: some theatre books

last movie seen: the gift
last book read: literal madness by kathy acker
last cuss word uttered: AHHHH fuck.

last beverage drank: coffee
last food consumed: cream cheese

last crush: jason
last phone call: telemarketer
last tv show watched: um...adult swim at the robot house

last time showered: three weeks ago

last shoes worn: boots
last cd played: built to spill

last item bought: film developed at walgreens

last downloaded: this bike is a pipe bomb

last annoyance: kids at school
last disappointment: plead the fifth
last soda drank: coke
last thing written: a comic about strawberries
last key used: door keys

last word spoken: AHHHHHH... fuck.

last sleep: tenth hour at school
last im: a long time ago
last sexual fantasy: last time i saw ... (some one)
last weird encounter: my librarian

last ice cream eaten: with emma and ben outside fuel with coffee
last time amused:my step mom
last time wanting to die: yesterday

last time in love: still am
last time hugged: gifford before he left
last time scolded: yesterday for calling into work
last time resentful: ugh.
last chair sat in: this one
last lipstick used: red on friday

last underwear worn: my black ones

last bra worn: my lacy green one

last shirt worn: cursive shirt/rent long sleve/black beater
last time dancing: just now
last poster looked at: one at the robot house
last show attended: one at the munky house

last webpage visited: this one

1 MINUTE AGO: throwing something away
1 HOUR AGO: in the car with emma
1 DAY AGO: driving giff to the yard

1 WEEK AGO: at node with emily
1 YEAR AGO: probably hanging out with erin and or mark

I HURT: when day dreaming
I LOVE: when the sun is out but it's not too bright.
I HATE: saying good bye.
I FEAR: never seeing people again

I HOPE: who says i feel this at all?
I FEEL: catastrophic

I HIDE: my daydreams from everyone
I DRIVE: my bike!

I MISS: having a best friend
I LEARNED: lace is really hard to draw acurately

I NEED: to sit outside more
I THINK: about too much

current clothes: rent shirt, tight jeans, boots, black bandana

current mood: tired
current music: this bike
current taste: cheese
current hair: dyed and synthetic

current annoyance: chewing loudly

current smell: smoke
current thing i should be doing: homework
current desktop picture: the milky way
current refreshment: water

current worry: I won't be okay.

1. What do you most like about your body?: my back
2. And least?: by tummy

3. How many fillings do you have?: none

4. Do you think you're good looking?: when I dress up

5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking? i guess sometimes

6. Do you look like any celebrities?: yeah, myself. I've been told that I'm some kind of scenster.

(3 ideas. | any thoughts?)

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